The Haredim and Sexuality

Curvaceous Barbie Doll

A Barbie doll is given to a little girl 7 years old, by a friend of the family, but afterward the father takes it away and exchanges it with a proper baby doll. Why?  Because “what secular girls know at seven, our girls must not know until seventeen” (Rosenthal 183). Those were the words of a Haredi father about the curvaceous Barbie doll. Within the Haredim (ultra-orthodox) sects, women receive no Sex Education, while men only receive some just before they marry. They grow up without the basic knowledge of their bodies and about their sexuality. The intentions are not necessarily bad because the parents want to shelter their children until the right moment in time when they have to deal with it. Sexuality is just not talked about even within married couples. Everyday life in a Haredi community clearly influences against exposing and talking about body parts of both men and women. The women are even encouraged to avoid being verbally explicit about their own sexual desires or giving any hints about those sexual thoughts. But it is probably difficult for both men and women to be conscious of those intimate desires when they are taught their entire life to repress any sexual thought or fantasies. The Haredi couple is protected from the outside world and sexual information during the entire course of marriage. This is because they are sexually isolated, with no television, radio, movies, secular novels, and magazines.

Men and Women showing no affection

The Haredi see sanctity as “infusing every aspect of human experience” and all sexual activity should be intentionally sacred. To keep intimacy sacred they must consciously focus on creating an atmosphere of holiness.  This is done by thinking proper thoughts and having limits on sexual behavior. They even believe that the Sabbath is the time for sexual relations. There is also a time and schedule to have these intimate relations. Strict Jewish observance forbids any physical contacts between man and women during the menstruation period and the week following. Like mentioned earlier, intercourse is encouraged on the Sabbath as well as the mik veh night, which is after the woman’s ritual bath at the end of the 2 weeks of abstinence because of the menstruation cycle. Sexual activity must take place in the dark and they must be fully undressed, but covered with a sheet.

Modesty is prized above all

The goal is to be modest. Since they are not exposed to television or magazines that the secular world produced outside of the communities, they are not exposed to such affection. They prohibit any public display of affection, which includes contact as well. Haredi children grow up without seeing their parent’s examples of affection and couples are taught to repress any sexual thoughts and fantasies about their spouse.  Even before they are married, women can sometimes have sexual guilt when they make the transition from being single to being married because it is difficult to act on your sexual desire and see it as acceptable when they grew up feeling the complete opposite and having to constantly repress the desire.

This lack of knowledge about sexuality does possess some problems. Some couples have to go to fertility clinics because of lack of pregnancies, rather than “the sexual dysfunctions that produced the infertility to begin with." But to protect their modesty, most fertility physcians do not collect information about the couple’s intimate life. There was one instance when a couple, who had children by artificial insemination, their physician discovered that they had never had intercourse. But this is not so rare. It just needs to be said that Haredi lead a different life than the secular world especially when it comes to sexuality.

Homosexuality and the Military

Israeli soldiers working together no matter what their sexual orientation is.

To the normal citizen in the United States, the military is something of an option, but for an Israeli, the military is a period in their life, that must be followed. Serving in the Israel Defense Forces is compulsory in Israel for both men and women except for Israeli Arabs, students engaged in religious studies in an accredited Jewish Law institution , and women who are married, are pregnant or who have children as well as other reasons. All eligible men and women are drafted once they turn 18 years old; men serving for 3 years and women for 2 years and after, until they are 40-45 years old, they serve in the reserves for a month each year.

In this June 25, 2009,  Israeli soldiers march in the gay pride parade in Jerusalem.

For the last 17 years, Israel has taken it a step further than most when it comes to who they allow to enter the military. They are 1 of 24 countries that allow openly gay individuals to serve in the military since the early 1990s and they can serve without fear of discrimination or harassment. Well not actually allow, but require them to. In Israel, sexual identity doesn’t present any formal barriers in terms of a soldier’s eligibility for promotion or their military specialization. David Saranga, a former IDF officer, said “It's a non-issue... You can be a very good officer, a creative one, a brave one and be gay at the same time.”

Out-of the-closet gays are treated no differently than straights. One Israeli soldier said, "I had thought Israel was less tolerant than the United States, but when I enlisted, I never witnessed any morale problems caused by homosexuals and didn't really hear any homophobic talk--nothing along the lines of 'He shouldn't be serving.' There were openly gay soldiers I encountered, but no one seemed to resent it. It's not even an issue. I don't know why it is in America."

Eli Kaplan, who was inducted into the Israel military 8 years ago, says that when he went in for his psychological assessment he was never asked about his sexual orientation, even though he told the interviewer anyway that he was openly gay. Kaplan ended up serving in the navy’s most elite units as a drill sergeant for incoming mechanics. He never encountered any problems or homophobia during the three years in the IDF. Kaplan even says certain intelligence and naval units were known for having a large proportion of gay soldiers. Kaplan goes on to express that he believes that the Israeli society is much less homophobic than other countries and bashes on the U.S. policy of “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Since 1993, the right to be openly gay has been acknowledged in the IDF and there is really no evidence to suggest that this policy has caused problems. Even beyond the army, Israeli law has generally been progressive in issues of sexual orientation.

For some, the military has even been the steppingstone that they needed to come out to the world. One soldier talks about how the military helped him solidify his sexual orientation. The military is full of hardships, so this brings about strong friendships and bonds. When he finally opened up, he found that the reactions were always supportive, and his friends would say “we know you are a good fighter and a member of the team.” This helped him come out to his family and eventually find a partner. He served in an elite unit, even though most of the officers knew, but that didn’t mean he was a bad soldier and no one held it against him.

The point is, maybe we should all follow Israel's lead.